How I felt after the Red Bulls game

Target Practice - video powered by Metacafe

Through after almost two weeks, I'm doing much better now and totally focused on Firpo Wednesday night.

Really.

(This is Michael Ballack in an adidas ad for the Predator boots.)

Though this one with Xavi Alonso and Steven Gerrard is even better:



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FCD notwithstanding, it's tough not to root for the big guy

I've said it before and I'll say it again, Kenny Cooper is the only FC Dallas player I fear. For me, he's completely shrouded in what I've always called the Pete Rose (pre 1987) Effect. The guy who you can;t stand to see playing against you, but who you'd give your left, er, arm to have on your side.

Fortunately, being an American, I got that last night. And of course, that free kick from Freddy Adu was a marvel to behold. I still think Adu will not prosper abroad, though could have a Landon Donovan-style career in MLS.

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Dynamo Park demonstration Thursday

The season may have only one game left, but Dynamo fans are all needed to head out to the new stadium site Thursday. Here's an e-mail that is making the rounds.

PLEASE READ THIS VERY IMPORTANT MESSAGE TO THE END AND RESPOND! THIS IS OF PRIME IMPORTANCE TO ECONOMIC DEVELOPMENT IN THE EAST END!

The final funding for the Houston Dynamo stadium to be built east of downtown surrounding the intersections of Dowling and Rusk depends on Harris County Commissioners voting to participate in TIRZ 15. (Tax Increment Reinvestment Zone) The proposal is that the first $10 million of additional economic dollars generated by the stadium for Harris County taxes would be invested in the stadium. After that all the tax dollars generated for the County by the new development would remain with Harris County.

Harris County Commissioners want public support to encourage them to vote to participate in the TIRZ. (The County is presently participating in six TIRZ so this is not a unique request.) The negotiations to build the Dynamo stadium have been ongoing since January, 2007, and if WE DO NOT HAVE THIS FINAL FINANCIAL INCENTIVE APPROVED BY DECEMBER 31st, the Dynamo will be forced to consider alternatives offer outside of the city!

A Press Conference to show the County Commissioners that the public supports their participation in the TIRZ will be held THIS THURSDAY, November 13th from 10 - 10:30 AM on the stadium site at the corner of Dowling and Rusk Streets. PLEASE attend this short but VERY important conference and please encourage EVERYONE from your business or neighborhood to attend! WE NEED TO PACK the city block so we can make the County Commissioners comfortable to vote FOR the TIRZ! I cannot stress the importance of numbers at this event enough--PLEASE help us!!!

ALSO, we have a petition online that we ask you and ALL your staff, friends and neighbors to sign. Just click the link below and fill in the short form. It will take only a minute and it will directly impact the future of the East End!

http://www.ipetitions.com/petition/keepthedynamoinhouston?e

We have more than 1500 signatures on signed petitions already, but we need THOUSANDS!!! PLEASE pass this note on to your mailing lists, and everyone you know and ask them to sign the petition and attend the press conference!

Help us give the County Commissioners the support they need to give us the stadium we need! Thank you--YOU ARE A TRUE EAST END FRIEND!

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Insert glowing commentary about the Dynamo here

I would love to, really, but seeing as how just about everyone handicapping Sunday's game in the blogosphere is talking about how the Orange will be dominant at home in front of 30,000+ fans, I think the best thing to do is repeat the winning mantra of earlier this week:

Fired Up!
Ready to Go!



and then there's this one from the May win over NYRB at The Rob. See you Sunday!

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What do you think about making Away Goals count more?

As most of you probably know, in most leagues around the world that play two-leg series, away goals are the first tie-breaker. This really does completely change the complexion of first-leg games. Now to be perfectly honest, I have always opposed implementing this rule in MLS games. But after reading this excellent, excellent column from Pat Walsh at Goal.com, I have changed my tune.

(And I am not just homering this because it would benefit Dynamo. The truth is we got hurt by away goals earlier this season by "losing" the mythical cannon (biggest open secret around here, it does not exist) to fc frisco due to away goals after all three games ended in ties.)

Check out this great column:

Walsh’s Word: MLS Needs The "Away Goals" Rule

By Pat Walsh

What a bland weekend of MLS soccer last week was. Four playoff games, three of which were nationally televised -- and just five goals.

In the past five years, the first legs of MLS’s Conference Semifinals series have never provided more than two goals per game. This is due in large part to the away teams playing defensively, looking to win at home in the second leg.

Of course, that’s their prerogative. Steve Nicol has been a master at this tactic over the years. As a result, New England has advanced to five straight conference finals, every single one since the current MLS playoff structure was implemented. Only once in that time did the Revolution play their first leg at home.

While the Midnight Riders can celebrate that success, it doesn’t mean the casual fans of the league are enjoying the ride. The rest of us around the country are subjected time and again to first legs in which each team seemingly would be just as happy to have the coin flip determine whether the game results in a draw or a one-goal win for the home team. Then each can go about preparing for the more important second leg accordingly.

But, unlike NBA playoff games, the first halves of these series can matter.

The remedy to this scenario is simple: the away goals rule. The widely spread reason for not using this tiebreaker is that the casual American fan will not understand the concept of the away goal rule. I don’t buy it.

This is a land in which NASCAR has grown dramatically in the past decade, roughly the same time as MLS has been in existence. Casual fans of the driving-in-a-circle sport have quickly grasped the complex system of bonus points for the sprint to the cup, or whatever it’s called these days. Is the away goals rule more complicated than that?

Here’s the real danger. After an amazing season that provided a great playoff race, the postseason is not building on that success and positive energy.

The playoffs are the time that the major leagues draw in the casual fans. Case in point, the aforementioned NASCAR amended its rules in 2004 to provide its fans with a playoff system. Even the PGA has jumped on board, instituting the playoff-ish FedEx Cup last year.

But in MLS, the playoffs -- especially the first legs of these conference semifinals -- are the worst of times, not the best of times.

In five years under the current format, only once have all four first-leg matches averaged two goals. Last year hit rock bottom as only three goals were scored on the first weekend.

This year wasn’t much better with just five goals over the four games. Of course, Yura Movsisyan’s cheeky backheeled goal will be remembered. And Steven Lenhart’s last-second tally provided a great finish in Kansas City. But those moments were too far and in between.

Let’s compare those numbers to the UEFA Champions League, which goes to two-legged series from the round of 16 through the semifinals. The past three years, the first leg has been the higher scoring leg, averaging well over two goals per game. That’s not to say there’s a flip flop and no goals are scored on the return leg as even those games averaged at least two goals per game. But it shows that if the team that plays away in the first leg has more incentive to score, they will look to get into the attack and the games will wind up with more goals.

This isn’t to say goals will lead to better games. But goals are good for the casual fan. More importantly, goals and the initiative to create more goals gives the games the kind action that draws in casual fans, like Javier Morales’s playmaking and vision in setting up Movsisyan’s goal. Then again, Real was at home, meaning they had the pressure to score, which helps explain their constant attacking mindset, especially compared with Chivas USA’s seeming reluctance to cross the midfield stripe.

Of the other away teams, Columbus and Houston went forward the most and were rewarded with the only two road goals, both after the 85th minute. Chicago rarely tested New England’s Matt Reis in their 0-0 draw, confident they would finish off the Revs this Thursday at Toyota Park.

Had Columbus, Houston, Chicago, and Chivas known that an away goal mattered even more, there is a good chance they would have pressed from the beginning. Instead, we didn’t see the best out of the some of MLS’s best teams because the risk was more than the reward was worth.

And it is the casual fan that loses the most.

Pat Walsh writes about Major League Soccer for Goal.com.

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Seven steps to Heaven

A quick detour to Scotland and the Bhoys. Those who know me know about my love for Celtic FC, the true Hoops ( My blood boils when people refer to Dallas as the Hoops. Morons.). This is a goal from the the Bhoys' 3-1 win over Kilmarnock in Scottish Cup play earlier this week. Seven passes (seven!) until Aiden McGeady slots it home. Even if you're a Rangers fan, you've got to appreciate how fun this is. Enjoy.

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The "I" in team

You wouldn't know it from looking at the results over the last month and a half, but we have three games left in what really is the worst stretch of the schedule all season for the Men in Orange. With games in no less than five countries, thousands of miles of travel, multiple games of high pressure, drama and significant consequence, Dynamo are meeting a challenge unlike that faced by any MLS team ever.

And now it's time for me to come clean on my reaction. No matter how tough it has been for the team, I have literally loved every second of it.

Now, to be perfectly frank, had Dynamo come to this stage of the Great Gruelfest with more losses than wins, I would have been screaming bloody murder. No one would have been louder than I in raging about the rank unfairness of it all, how the MLS schedule-makers are a bunch of no-brained morons who can't realize the obvious importance of international play in the growth of the MLS brand, how, despite all evidence to the contrary, the league refuses to accept the reality of the what growing the game here really means beyond adding a new squad in every podunk burgh in North America.

And I know all of that is true beyond a shadow of a doubt. But thanks to the team-making skills of Dynamo Chief Operating Office Chris Cannetti (i.e. the guy who makes every coin), the game management of Dom Kinnear (the guy ON every coin) and the total, unflagging commitment of our heroes in Orange (the coins in question), we enter the final three games of this stretch unbeaten, with the No. 1 seed in the west and on the verge of qualifying for knockout stage play in Champions League.

And it has been brutal on the guys, no question about it. But if it were up to me, and I had to have them do it all over again, I have to come totally clean here and admit that as a supporter I wouldn't change a thing. (Other than the hurricane part of it. I mean, I'm not crazy.)

How many times have we all left Robertson Stadium wishing there was another game tomorrow night? How many times have we Just. Not. Gotten. Enough. of watching and cheering the team on to wins? How many times have we just wanted the feeling at Robertson to last on well into the night, to keep going and going until the last bit of juice has been squeezed out?

Well fellow Planeteers, since Sept. 23rd, we have gotten all of that and more. And make no mistake about it, it has taken all the Dynamo can give to make it happen, and over the next five weeks, they are going to have to keep going to make it even better, to find the pot of gold again that makes this all worthwhile.

After all of this, there are four home games remaining, Wednesday against Pumas, the first playoff game Nov. 9, the Western Conference championship match Nov. 16 and the rescheduled CL match against L.A. Firpo Nov. 26. (Add to this four away dates, to las chivitas Saturday, El Salvador next Tuesday, the first playoff game Nov. 2 and one last little date in Carson, California on Nov. 23rd.)

Eight games in five-and-a-half weeks, right on the heels of eight over the last four. Call me a torturer, call me unsympathetic, call me one who delights in the hardships of my beloved team, but among all other things, call me There.

And as a wonderful postscript, walking into the Dynamo game Saturday, enjoying the heck out of the great giveaway scarf that my 11-year-old says is "The best giveaway ever.", season book partner mister3d takes a look at the tag on the scarf and says "Hey, that's me!" And there he was, the guy holding up the scarf with a towel over his head (maintaining his secret identity) on the tag. And even though my first reaction (to be totally and brutally honest here) was "Hey, I was standing right next to him there. Where am I? (I know, I am a cad.), I have to say that I am absolutely thrilled about the whole deal. I think I'll frame the tag after I get him to autograph it! Read more!

Dyna-tunes for sale

Saw this post over at Dynamo Planet. For those of you who just can't get enough of those rockin' Robertson tunes from El Battalon, now you'll be able to hear them at all times. I'll definitely by hookin' up with one of these beauties.

As some of you are aware, we (EB) have been working on getting a CD out for a while now. The CD features 7 tracks from songs we sing in the stadium performed by a group that plays Cumbia Villera music direct from Argentina. Im not trying to oversell it but its like winning the 2006 MLS Cup in Frisco and the 2007 MLS Cup in DC combined, so you should get a copy! Its only ten bucks and we will be selling it in front of the stadium by the ticket booths or you can find us at our usual tailgate spot at the north west corner of the parking lot, accross the street from Popeyes on Scott.To hear a sample of some of the songs included on the album you can check the EB site at http://www.elbatallon.com or you can check out our EB Music Myspace page at http://www.myspace.com/elbatallonsongs. Profits from the sales will fund EB efforts in supporting the Dynamo.

And here's a little taste:

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Dynamo MVP talk

With just three MLS regular season games remaining, I have yet to see much talk about the season MVP. Perhaps it's my background in baseball, but I think the MVP of the season should be distinct from the whomever might be the MVP of the playoffs. So in that vein, here we go.

When you take the team down to the areas of the field, I think 4-5 realistic candidates emerge.

FORWARDS


First, let's take a look up top. Brian Ching leads the team in goals scored and I think there' no getting around the fact that he has bee a monster up there all season. Even when he isn't scoring, the Flyin' Hawaiian is drawing the attention of the defense, creating openings for his teammates and then passing to the open guy. If a major element of MVP consideration is making your teammates better, then Ching has that in spades. In pure numbers, let's look at this: 12 goals and five assists in 22 games, 21 of which he started. He has three game-winning goals and one game-winning assist. Only Brad Davis (more on him in a sec) has a better combined total there (1 GWG and 4 GWAs). From the forward corps, Chingy clearly is the representative in this discussion.

MIDFIELD


Brad Davis has been a real force when he's been in the game. He's played in 23 games, tied for fourth on the team with Captain Wade-merica, and has been an assist machine. The consistent quality of his deliveries into the box both in the run of play and on set pieces has been devastating to opponents. He instills confidence in his teammates and is a constant threat. He leads the team in assists with eight, three better than anyone else.


Dwayne De Rosario's immediate impact on any game could be best seen in the San Francisco clash last week. That goal he scored in the 88th minute will forever be etched into my mind. As soon as he came on, both teams had a charge put through them. We all just knew that the game had been elevated. How many players in MLS can you say that about? His numbers have been pedestrian -- second on the team with five goals and he also has only two assists. But his influence clearly goes beyond the numbers. Easily on just about anyone's Best XI in MLS at anytime. He's also the only Dynamo player to actually convert a penalty kick this year.


Brian Mullan was a co-winner of this award last year, and deservedly so. Mully's runs are amazing, but all too often you wind up with "Wow, what a move!" quickly followed by "Damn, what happened?" As a generator of chances, he's unparalleled. As a finisher, well.... Numbers-wise, three goals and five assists is nothing to sneeze at, but Ithink he'll wind up in Honorable Mention this year.

Also getting votes: Ricardo Clark. He and Shalrie Joseph are the best holding midfielders in the league. Simple as that.

DEFENSE


It's time for me to come clean. After the Pan-Pacifics, the CONCACAF Champions Cup and the first week or two of the season, I was ready to call a quick and nasty end to the Bobby Boswell era. Well folks, that's why Dominic Kinnear is where he is and I'm sitting over here at a computer. Boswell has become the anchor for the second-best (maybe even THE best at this point) defense in the league. The guy is a titan of toughness in there, has been impressive at shutting down so many opposing threats and lighting a fire under the rest of the defense. He's still prone to the occasional brain fart, but how many time have we seen him make up for it on the very next play with a fantastic stop or put down of opposition attack? Earlier in the season, when the offense Just. Could. Not. Score. it was Bozzie that kept us in game after game. No one else on the defense (other than perhaps Wade Barrett?) has been so consistent, so healthy and such a monster.

GK

What more is there to say about Pat Onstad, the best keeper in the history of this league? Maybe he's been a little slower of step than last year, but with a second-best in the league GAA of 1.08 on a team that started as slowly as they did this year, folks, you are looking at excellence personified.

MY VOTE (FOR NOW)
If I had to rank these candidates right now, I'd go;

1. Ching
2. Onstad
3. Boswell
4. Davis
5. De Rosario

When you score more than twice as many goals as the second place guy on your team while still being away for US MNT duty and maintaining your health the way Ching has never done in his career, you get my vote. Still, there are three more MLS games for these other guys to come up with some amazing heroics that could alter my vote. What do you think? Read more!

Offsides explained

Would that I could use all of my journalistic know-how to explain offsides half as well as this.

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1-2-3-GO!

One of these days, someone's going to do an MLS version of Slap Shot. Right now, though, here's to the best actor of all time.

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The Sarah Palin of golazos

OK, OK, I take it all back. Even Abi Okalaja wouldn't have screwed up this call.

Or maybe he would

Hmmm.

The point is, he didn't.

At least not yet.



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Becks is the man

You know. my estimation of David Beckham goes up every time I see more of him. The guy is an ultimate competitor, and his defense of Marc Burch here illustrates that.



There's no way that's a red card, even though I think Burch is a punk overall. Becks' defense of him is a slap in the face to MLS officiating, and a well-deserved one at that. Good thing it wasn't Abi Okalaja, though, or Burch and 2 or 3 DCU players who weren't within 30 yards of the play would have been sent off as well. Read more!

I do NOT like Ike, but I do love these golazos

The storm blew and blew here at Nutmegged World Headquarters, and even though Dynamo will somehow have to fit a rescheduled L.A. Firpo game into their criminally crowded fixture slate, Houston still is surviving well.

Power is still out across most of the area, but the energy from Brian Ching's little "Hey, we're responsible for the stars on your jersey as well as our own" performance as a late sub in drawing even with the Bay Area Wanderers last weekend ought to power up Robertson all on its own this weekend. Assuming the game is on. Word is imminent about that.

In the meantime, here's some wondergoals that I ran across while wasting my still-very-limited Internet time today. Enjoy.



And try this one at home, especially the second one!:



And of course, this great golazo from Gorgeous Giorgio was a sight to see:




Then finally, just for grins, there's this one, which has a nicer result than the real thing!

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Nice art, but what does it all mean?

Now that is one very fine fake photo, don't you think? (It's actually an enhanced (in more way than one, if you ask me) version of the HDC, site of Dynamo's third championship postgame celebration.) Unfortunately, I can not take credit for it, which goes instead to the excellent blog The Original Winger.

The link brings you a great post of Sept. 1 about the state of Dynamo Park negotiations.

My official position is still "Give me a signed deal and I'll start thinking about it again." but if the only sticking point is getting $10 million from Harris County, and commissioner (and Dynamo season book holder Sylvia Garcia), we all really have every reason to feel optimistic. Still, sign the deal and I'l feel good. Until then....... Read more!

Color those frequent flyer miles orange

Courtesy of Bernardo Fallas' blog on the Chron site, check out this schedule from now until Halloween for Dynamo, playing CONCACAF Champions League and MLS (not to mention WCQ games for some of them):

Sunday: vs. K.C. at Robertson, 2 p.m. MLS
Sept. 13: at San Jose, 9 p.m. MLS
Sept. 17: vs. L.A. Firpo at Robertson , 9 p.m. CONCACAF
Sept. 20: vs. San Jose at Robertson, 7:30 p.m. MLS
Sept. 23: at San Francisco (time TBD). CONCACAF
Sept. 27: at Toronto FC, 2:30 p.m. MLS
Sept 30: at UNAM Pumas (time TBD). CONCACAF
Oct. 4: at Colorado, 8:30 p.m. MLS
Oct. 7: vs. San Francisco at Robertson, 9 p.m. CONCACAF
Oct. 12: vs. D.C. United at Robertson, 6 p.m. MLS
Oct. 18: vs. Los Angeles at Robertson, 7;30 p.m. MLS
Oct. 22: vs. UNAM Pumas at Robertson, 9 p.m. CONCACAF
Oct. 25: at Chivas USA, 9:30 p.m. MLS (or at least one team is)
Oct. 28: at L.A. Firpo, (time TBD). CONCACAF

Especially take a gander at the Sept. 23-Oct. 4 stretch. That's starting in Panama, then Canada, then Mexico, then Denver. That's three games at altitude and a fourth in the Great White North. According to the Google Earth, that's a grand total of 1,741 miles from Houston to Panama City, 2,380 miles from Panama City to Toronto, 2,043 miles from Toronto to Mexico City, 1,445 miles from Mexico City to Denver and then another 867 miles from the Front Range back to Houston. That's 8,476 miles in a span of 15 days. Now the discussion over at Bernardo's Soccer y Futbol cafe covers the absolute ridiculousness of all this, so I direct you to that discussion there. Just suffice it to say that, even though the Men in Orange get to spend the next three weeks here in Houston after all of that, my reaction to the concentrated travel is pretty much unprintable. I know that MLS denies players the use of chartered jets because (it seems) the care and comfort of their highly specialized and talented workforce is beneath the Don's interest, but this is beyond stupid.

Let's see the Cuba Cinco try that amount of travel!

Here's a great song I found from the Screaming Trees about this:

ORANGE AIRPLANE

Can't take a train you know they move too slow
Gotta take to the airport where I wanna go
Heart beating like a million miles an hour
Listening the wind is turning sweet to sour

Orange airplane
Take me to a new day
Little orange airplane
Take me to a new day

I land downtown in the middle of the day
I'm coming down hard so get out of the way
Looking up to heaven trying to find a clue
Said I'm too far gone, gotta pay my dues on

An orange airplane
Take me to a new day
Come on
Little orange airplane
Take me to a new day

I'll be heading into orbit on a sunday morning
My legs are broken and my ears are ringing
Orange airplane takes me to my home
Take me to the graveyard and bury my bones on

An orange airplane
Take me to a new day
Come on
Little orange airplane
Take me to a new day

Take me far away
On an orange airplane Read more!

The Cuba Cinco are true American heroes

That image right there is courtesy Grant Wahl's very fine FanNation blog and it showcases five very brave American heroes who are willing to defy official persecution to support their country's national team.

Here's Wahl:

HAVANA, Cuba -- The U.S. national soccer team arrived here yesterday from Miami for its first-ever World Cup qualifier against Cuba, but they weren’t the only Americans who found their way to Havana. On Thursday night I met up in the Plaza Vieja with five hardcore U.S. soccer fans who defied the U.S. government’s ban on unlicensed travel to Cuba and got into the country by flying separately through a third country.

I won’t be naming them here for obvious reasons, so I’ll call them the Cuba Cinco: four men and one woman ranging in ages from 28 to 38 and hailing from California (two), New York (two) and Colorado.

I have blogged several times this year over the completely gutless lack of effort from U.S. Soccer to arrange a way for US soccer fans to travel to Cuba to support the Rattlers in our WCQ against the Red Menace on Saturday. (Here, here and here.) And what did the esteemed home of the world's game on these domestic shores do about it? Not. One. Damn. Thing. They hid behind the old "The U.S. State Department says...." wussy excuse.

Now comes Wahl profiling these five true patriots who are rising to the occasion and taking matters into their own hands to support our country and our team. As one of the Cuba Cinco say, this is not about politics. This is about our team.

“It was pretty much a no-brainer,” said one who travels to every U.S. road qualifier. “The U.S. is playing Cuba and we follow the U.S. team. Then there’s the historical significance of the game. For people who are really fans you can’t miss it. The team’s playing here, embargo be damned. We’re not going to make a political statement. We’re just going to watch the game and take in a new culture.”

And this, my favorite part of the story:

The Cuba Cinco says they’re aware of the risks that come with traveling to Cuba. According to the U.S. Department of the Treasury, criminal penalties for violating U.S. sanctions against spending money in Cuba range up to 10 years in prison and $250,000 in individual fines. Yet it’s hard to imagine a Stars-and-Stripes-waving U.S. fan would face such harsh punishments.

“I’m fine with [the risks],” said one. “I don’t mind being the person that ends up asking for a hearing and then becoming the big constitutional civil rights case. Because I don’t think it’s constitutional for the U.S. to make it illegal for Americans to spend their money in Cuba.”

“If you think about it, too,” added another, “we’re here to support the U.S. national team in another country. If they were going to make an example of us, what kind of example would that set?”

“I will go anywhere our team plays to support our team, which is thereby supporting our country,” said another. “I’m not doing this to hold the middle finger up to the country or the government or anything like that. It’s just that I don’t really care about any arbitrary law that’s going to restrict my ability to travel. We’re supposed to be free. I consider that to extend to the right to travel.”

All five admit they were nervous coming into Cuba and will be again when they return to the States. But each one said the effort and the risks are worth it. “We all know that [the U.S. players] are coming to a stadium where their fans are outnumbered 10,000 to 1,” one said. “I want to be that one guy there supporting them--and show that I’m a fan and I’m willing to spend my own nickel and come out here to see you play.”

“Do the U.S. players know they have fans coming out to support them in Cuba?” one member of the Cuba Cinco finally asked.

I told them I didn’t think so.

“Well, they’ll have at least five.”

More power to them. Read more!

Don't throw a bag or urine at us because we're beautiful

Found this over on TOR and thought it was worth a post.



I especially liked Deuce's contrast between playing in Europe vs. playing away in CONCACAF. Clearly there's more to it as those on the receiving end of racist taunts in parts of Europe could attest. Many say the issue is one of passion, and I think this is partially true, but mostly it all goes under the heading of "Contrasts (see "culture")". And this is a subject I have always enjoyed exploring. What do you think?

(I remember a baseball player once telling the story of playing in El Salvador or Nicaragua one time and getting a bag of iguanas thrown at them ON THE FIELD. Now that will get you into the clubhouse fast.) Read more!

Losing in the Olympics and other blessings, er, I mean curses

OK, I'm not afraid to admit it, when the US lost in the Olympics to Nigeria the other day, my secret thought was:


"Man, I can't get enough of that Natalie Coughlin...."

Er, um, I mean, my OTHER secret thought was "Well thank you Petr Nowak for delivering the coaching job I always expected of you. Now I get to have Stuart Holden and Pat Ianni back here in Orange that much faster."


So does that make me an unpatriotic swine? Go ahead, sling them stones at my glass house. I can handle it. The fact of the matter is that when Dynamo is not playing, I am all U-S-A!!! But during the season, I wind up dumping the red, white and blue for Orange faster than a Dutch fanatic. I can't help it. It's just the way my emotions seem to run.

Now, does that mean I root against the US? Heck no, I'm not THAT much of a scumbag. Winning the Gold Cup last year was beyond awesome. And if the US had advanced into the quarters in Peking (Oops, dating myself here), Beijing, I would have rooted for them. But admit it, how many of you watch these games rooting for the US but at the exact same time are praying to whatever happens to be your deity of the moment that your player, meaning your club's player, doesn't go down with some horrific injury? Let's be honest here.

W
ell, just as I find myself getting settled in to the idea that Holden and Ianni are coming back from that polluted sinkhole to my hometown polluted sinkhole (Hey, native Houstonian here. I can get away with that.), along comes the news that Brian Ching, the Flyin' (though easily grounded with injury) Hawaiian, has been called up to the national squad for the qualifier against Guatemala. And I'm not ashamed to say my first thought was "INSERT EXPLETIVE SERIES HERE!" Now he still gets to play for Dynamo Friday against RSL here at the Rob, but will miss next week's match against (Thank you Dan Loney for my all-time favorite putdown fake name for a team) Bizarro Chivas. Now las chivitas will be without Sascha Kljestan for that game as well, but still.


But of course, like so many other multimational clubs, we wait the call-ups for the Canadian National team. I fully expect that good-looking hirsute fellow to my left will be playing for Canuckistan, as well as one Mr. Patrick Onstad. Will this madness never end?

Oh, well, if you can't beat 'em... U-S-A!!!! (Just please don't get hurt Brian.) Read more!

Petr Nowak's Silly Olympics

I don't know about you, but somehow today, this just makes me think of Petr Nowak.



And then there's this one, which kind of summarizes the whole US Soccer effort, now doesn't it:

(Background music: Sportscast intro)

Newscaster: And right now it's time for athletics, and over to Brian Goebells in Paris.

Goebells: Hello, well you join us here in Paris just a few minutes before the start of today's big event: the final of the Men's-Being-Eaten- By-A-Crocodile event. I'm standing now by the crocodile pit where- AAAAAAHHHHH!

(FX: Crocodiles eating, French exclamations and sirens)

Newscaster: Ah. Well I'm afraid that we've lost Brian. While they're sorting that out, we have a report from Barry Loothesom in Lughtborrow on the British preparations for this most important event.

Loothesom: Here at Lughtborrow are the five young men chosen last week to be eaten by a crocodile for Britain this summer. Obviously, the most important part of the event is the opening 60 yard sprint towards the crocs. And twenty-two year old Nottingham schoolteacher Gavin Watterlow is rated by some not only the fastest but also the tastiest British morsel since Barry Gordon got a bronze at Helsinki. In charge of the team is Sergeant Major Harold Duke.

Duke: Aww, well, you not only got to get in that pit first, you gotta get EATEN first. When you land in front of your croc, and 'e opens his mouth, I wanna see you right in there. Rub your 'ead up against 'is taste buds. And when those teeth bite into your flesh, use the perches to thrust yourself DOWN his throat...

Loothesom: Duke's trained with every British team since 1928, and it's his blend of gymnastic knowhow, reptilian expertise and culinary skill that's turned many an un-appetizing novice into a crocodilic banquet.

Duke: Well, our chefs have been experimenting for many years to find a sauce most likely to tempt the crocodile. In the past, we've concentrated on a fish based sauce, but this year, we are reverting to a simple bernaise.

Loothesom: The British team are worried because Olympic regulations allow only the competitor's heads to be sauced. Gavin Morolowe...

Morolowe: Yes, well, I mean, (clears throat) you know, four years ago, everyone knew the Italians were coating the insides of their legs with bolinaise, the Russians have been marinating themselves, One of the Germans, Biolek, was caught actually putting, uh, remolarde down his shorts. And the Finns were using tomato flavoured running shoes. Uh, I think there should either be unrestricted garnishing, or a single, Olympic standard mayonnaise.

Loothesom: Gavin, does it ever worry you that you're actually going to be chewed up by a bloody, grey crocodile.

Morolowe: The only thing that worries me, Jim, is being the first one down that gully.

Loothesom: Well, the way things are going here at Lughtborrow, it looks as though Britan could easily pick up a place in the first seven hundred. But nothing's predictable in this tough, harsh, highly competitive world where today's champion is tomorrow's crocodile shit. And back to you, in the studio, Norman. Read more!